A Tired, Exhausted and Lonely Mother Who Almost Gave Up
Tired all of the time, exhausted, and lonely, an older mother explained to me that she had to make herself get out of bed each morning.
"If it wasn't for my children, I would sleep all day and never wake up." The sadness and pain from the heartaches of life and loss were so overwhelming, that her energy levels had slowly depleted over time.
Previously diagnosed with "fibromyalgia" and "sleep apnea," she felt hopeless and "nothing" was making her feel better. A friend had told her about "Seed Digging" so she decided to give it a try.
We began by tracing her feelings of exhaustion back through time. Throughout this process, she discovered some amazing truths that would forever change her perspective of life.
Being recently let go of a dream job that she held for years, the thoughts of "worthlessness" played over and over in her mind, just like a broken record. We soon discovered multiple memories of loss and heartbreak that continued to water that "seed" of "worthlessness" hidden deep within her soul.
In and out of multiple relationships with men, she had several memories of not feeling "good enough." Even further back, in junior high and high school, memories of being "bullied" surfaced. To cope with the feelings of inadequacy, she was determined to do whatever it took to bandage the pain.
She began to work very hard in every area of her life. She set out to prove that she was "important" and was "somebody." Her work ethic became a bandaid that brought temporary relief to the infected wound in her heart.
She studied long hours. She stayed up late to make sure she excelled on her tests. She would never settle for anything less than an "A."
She graduated with high honors. She received scholarships.
She went to on college and was very successful. She earned her doctoral degree and became a very successful career woman.
The internal drive that she wasn't "adequate" also played a negative roll in her life. She didn't take care of her body. She didn't eat well. She didn't take time to exercise. She had too much to accomplish.
It didn't take long before the ravaging effects of hard work and neglect would begin to take it's toll. That drive to do more and bigger things began to affect her family as well. She loved her children dearly but she didn't know how to enjoy them. When she would try to sit and play with them, her mind would race with the all the unfinished tasks that lay before her.
Their physical needs were met but their emotional needs were starving. Her children began to act out to get her attention. Their behaviors reflected their emotional deficiencies at school and at home. That "seed" of worthlessness had grown into such a problem, that she ended up divorcing her husband. She almost lost her children. She was slowly losing herself.
When we finally found the origin of that "seed" of worthlessness, it surprised her to find that it was planted in the 2nd grade. In the middle of the school year, her family had moved to a new town. When she showed up at her new school, the kids didn't welcome her. She felt lost and alone.
When she went home that day, she tried to explain to her parents how angry and sad she was because she had to leave her friends, her home, and her other school behind. But like other young children, she didn't have the verbal skills she needed to fully communicate her feelings. Instead she began finding other ways to get their attention.
She acted out. She threw tantrums. She yelled. She pulled the hair off of her "dolly."
She was reprimanded. She got spanked. She was constantly told she wasn't a "good girl." She continued to get in trouble because she acted out in anger from the pain she felt inside. Her parents didn't get it. They didn't understand her childhood language. They couldn't understand her pain.
"Worthlessness." "Not good enough." Each time she was reprimanded, that broken record of thoughts played over and over in her little mind until she believed it.
As she recalled those sad memories in the 2nd grade, I asked for "truth" to come.
"Truth" washed in like a flood. She quickly discovered that she was not a bad girl when she was little. She was just a little girl whose heart was hurting. God told her she was "valuable" and as "precious as a diamond."
She discovered that her parents really didn't understand but did deeply love her. God reminded her of several warm and loving childhood memories she experienced at that new school and her new home in the 2nd grade. Those memories brought such joy to her heart.
As she chose to accept the "truth," she instantly replaced seeds of "worthlessness" in her garden with those of value and love.
Not surprisingly, a year later she reports feeling much better. She isn't waking up feeling tired and exhausted anymore. Her body has stopped aching and she has more energy than she has had in years. She is eating healthier and even exercising.
Each time the negative thoughts come, she exercises her mind as well. She reminds herself of the "truth" she discovered that day we met. She doesn't have room in her garden for those "sad seeds" anymore. She also allows "happy seeds" to be continuously planted in her garden by listening to "truth."
In her garden, a variety of beautiful plants and flowers grow. The weeds are few. And they don't stay long.
"Truth sets us free."